NYR

I found my 2012 resolutions.

1. Ace my Degree  -Yeah I did
2. Graduate - With first class honours, nonetheless. Graduation for most parts is one of the scarred days in the history of my life, but sigh. It's okay.
3. Get a job as a writer at a magazine - not writer, but Journalist with NST! A little over a year now :)
4. Reach our two year mark on June 19th! -Hey look, the number 3.
5. More laughter and happy tears - laughter was there, but not more. Happy tears were non existent at all. Sad tears, always. 
6. Paris, Venezia, Greece, Spain, Stonehenge, Eiffel Tower, London Bridge, Madam Tussauds, Leaning Tower of Pisa - I'm sorry Greece and Spain, Pisa, you'll have to wait.
7. Buy you something from your wishlist - I don't remember lah.
8. Donate more - Maaf.
9. Swim, jog, badminton, for real this time. - I have a pool here but no time.
10. More reading, less internet - Everyday I read, but read paper lah.
11. Have a birthday cake with 23 candles (not necessarily on my birthday!)  - Thanks to Vanessa Gomes, Carleen Bastian, and Nicole Yeong :)
12. Continue to procrastinate less - Since there isn't much to procrastinate about last year...
13. More dresses and formal wear - Got bah
14. Reach 43kg  - 46 kg pun sudah sampai!!
15. Enjoy and live life
16. Go zumba at least once in my life
17. Polercise! Must try!
18. Do stretching everyday to increase flexibility
19. Penang Melaka Langkawi to purely have fun
20. Island trip (Tioman? Pangkor?) for real
21. Island trip to beloved Mamutik
22. Bake and cook more
23. Take more pictures
24. Spinner 360
25. Experience being in a club
26. Learn to do the typography animation thingy
27. Get the Joy Luck Club book
28. More boardgames to bring home
29. Self-teach French, Italian, German, and Cantonese. Or look for a class.
30. Dance.
31. More patience, kindness, love, and thoughtfulness
32. More usage of brain
33. Less letting PMS/hunger/emotions controlling me
34. Smile and embrace my teeth
35. Less cursing
36. Continue the effort to keep in touch with friends
37. Finish reading 12 books within the year
38. More karaoke!
39. Learn and own the ukelele
40. Make full use of my Uni
41. Master menggoreng ayam
42. Make hokey pokey really jadi
43. Really learn to make rendang (pay attention when mummy cooks it)
44. Get new camera body
45. Buy a 50mm lens before balik!


lazy to comment on the rest. ta.

I wish my heart was stronger. 

I hate these tears. 

:'( 

Note to self

boleh ka jangan jadi terlalu LEMAH? 

26/9/2013

Sometimes I think, why bother. 

Sometimes I let my mind wander off too much. 

It strays away. It gives dark and murky images. 

As much as I'd like to stay positive, at times, positive people need to take a break, too. 

Selamat Malam

It's a wonder how things happen they way it does. 

With 88.9 on in the background. I will sleep tight. 

Good night. 

One two three four

You can't help to wonder sometimes. 

Dengar lagu lah. Kay bye. 

Cabinet oh cabinet

Trial number 2. 

Gambar dilike selalu

Rindu

Baiduri, di Shah Alam. Rindu? Kau bilang rindu. 

Makan-makan dan jalan-jalan sesuka hati. Tapi itu zaman muda mudi. Duit bukan duit sendiri. 

Stress, orang sana sini minta itu ini. 

Apa. Fikir saya robot? No no no. 

Jojo. 

Kin Min is actually Maine Coon. 

The cat. The kind of cat. 

Headache throbbing adui. 

Apartment ka ni. No condo lama. 

Type type type tekan tekan tekan. 

Mummy papa rindu keluarga. 

Owww. Headacchhee. 

Pizza, one slice. Puked, almost. It was nice. Tuna. 

The rush gave me a good headache. It was painful. I wanted to vomit. Felt like i had too much coffee. Which I didnt. So it was weird. 

Still have a headache. 

My pinky is tired. 

Menteri dan timbalan timbalannya. 

USA. forget, jealousy, control, belated. 

It's just a birthday, i try to tell myself. 

But no. But sigh. 

I am mentally drained. Oh my. 

Headddd

Itch. Rash. Itch cream. Rash cream. 

I'm making no sense but who ever said I was trying to make sense. 

Strong scent of softener on pillow is becoming a strong stench giving me worse headache. 

Kenapa saya begini ah?

Okay. Sleep. 

 

Cubaan untuk Tidur

I'm 24 now.
Kalau gatal tangan sendiri cari sakit.
Mau tidur tapi tia tau macam mana dan bagaimana but cannot tidur for now.
Oh rushing thoughts. They're coming back.
I haven't been drinking enough plain water.
Just too lazy to keep on peeing.
I feel like it's a dead end.
I wish there was something to look forward to.
I want to do things. Keep fit. Keep active.
Maybe a lifestyle change.
I wanna have fun.
I wanna go play kites and go on trips and go to playgrounds.
I wanna play rollerblades and cycle in the park and take silly pictures.
I wanna sing all my ill feelings away and do it for hours.
I wanna berendam in the pool and swim swim swim.
Islands. Blue sea. White sand. Pristine beach.
Sunshine.
Sun tan. Lotion. Burnt.
Peeling.
Orange peel.
Apples.
Doctors.
Fear. Medication.
Death.
Loss.
Mourn. Sadness. Tears.
I am tears. Teary. Never ending.
La la la. Sing the song.
Piano ukelele violin guitar.
Trenggg.
Vietnam Cambodia Thailand.
Krabi. Phi Phi. Koh Samui.
Island. Beach. Back to where we were.
Before.
Again. Repeat.
Solace.
Slumber, sleep.
Payphone. Hash and star. Two together no use.
Type. Press. Copy cat.
Meow.
Kittens, forever small are the cutest.
Non existant. Like money growing on trees.
Endless supply of ridiculous craziness and nothingness.
Where do I go? Two? Three years from now?
Run from the comfort of stability.
Adventure up Broga, mountains, hikes and yikes!
Wall climbing, maybe? Don't call me. Please.
Make up, fake up foundation or powder.
Red lips pink lips your image is power.
I keep seeing your face and your mind
I wish it was easy to erase. All the feelings i have. But even erasing takes time takes patience takes energy.
I can't.
Oh.
Wait.
Fly free. Like a bird. Fly high up in the sky.
Suddenly find chained to the ground. Immobile. Frozen. Down.
Wah poet sungguh rhyme rhyme.
Look at the time.
I did it again. Oops. Like Britney said.
Okay.

Good night.



(This is a self experiment. To see what thoughts I have before I go to bed)

My first General Election

Assalamualaikum.

As a reporter for a mainstream newspaper, it gets very difficult, especially during the elections.

For one thing, you are expected to deliver and perform at a certain level.

Then, you have the fear of people throwing hateful comments at you because you are "mainstream media" and people blaming journalists for coming up with such one-sided reports.

Okay, look.

1. Please understand that we are only doing what we are told to do, as instructed. It is only part of our jobs, and it does not necessarily reflect what our principles and beliefs are.
2. Before you go on and start talking about journalists being hypocrites, do you know how hard it is for a job to come by these days? It's not easy to just pack up your things and leave, you know. Yes of course there is that question of integrity and dignity. But there is also the question of responsibility and the need to simply SURVIVE. 
3. If you have read, and studied, "freedom of media" is so rare nowadays. There is, however, "media ownership". Which means, any media, print, electronic, or new media, has its owners. Ya, memang mainstream media belongs to the government and it's slanted to the government. But alternative media, isn't it slanted to one side too?
4. If you think that mainstream media is biased, the best way is to take everything from both sides  and make an informed conclusion of everything, no?

During my final interview I had before I was hired, one of the bosses reminded me who the paper belonged to. I told him that I knew.

I know what I'm getting into. I realise who and what I work for. It's just not nice for people to be blaming us working in mainstream media because this is just what we do, you know?

Anyway.

Yes. I see and understand how people are upset with last weekend's election outcome.

It's not easy accepting defeat, and it's not easy to be the one being blamed for the defeat.
It's not easy being blamed and being the centre of hatred.

I am for free and fair elections as well. I am for a better country, a better future for my generation and the generations after us.

But why all the hate and anger?

And I'm saying this to everyone, regardless of creed.

It's not nice to accuse someone of lying and cheating. Fitnah namanya.
It's not nice to come up with racial slurs. Racist namanya.
It's not nice to call people names and be cussing. Rude namanya.
It's not nice to be threatening people and wishing they were dead. Now that's just being mean.

We are just too complex a nation. There are so many folds and layers in us that it's very easy to hurt someone even with the simplest statement.

 If everyone would just calm down, and don't be consumed by anger, emotions and hatred, I'm very sure that we would be able to come up with a better solution for the situation.

Breathe ba breathe. Tarik nafas, hembus nafas. Kap hei, fu hei. 

Ala, macam bersatu kita teguh, bercerai kita roboh. Something like that ba, you know.

We have to move forward, and discuss with an open mind. Not easy, yes, I know. But there's no harm in trying.

Ya. Saya memang anak Malaysia. Kita semua anak Malaysia. That is exactly why we should not let Malaysia turn into this darkness we're bringing it into.

Rise, my fellow Malaysians. Come la ba we work sama-sama, fikir cara-cara to be a better Malaysia. We are a beautiful country with beautiful people. Don't let emotions take the best of us.

I have the confidence in Malaysia. I have the confidence that we will go back to our happy sun-shiny days.

Here's to better days. Let's be kinder, okay?

<3 br="">

Always a Wednesday

Maybe, too afraid.

Or. I don't know... No. It's just the afraid.

Actually exactly like the title of LeeSsang's song, "The Girl Who Can't Break Up, The Boy Who Can't leave."

Eh. So emo.

Gearing up

Who knew.

Having a head-aching time trying to extract numbers out of the manifesto.

Halp!

Disappointment

It's not something that I'd ever expected to happen.
Nobody wishes for it to happen.
Nobody wants it to happen.

But the disappointment isn't from the "happening".

It came from the failure of being able to see how much it worries me and how much I'm scared.

Has it been that bad all this while, until this has come to be what it had become? How could those words and phrases be uttered?

And the question is, am I that bad?

Saya disappointed.

Tapi saya sabar. If one day it comes to realisation, i would expect a sincere, true, and heartfelt apology. But for now, I, apologise for my flaws.


And you are forgiven.

"That time of the month"

I don't understand. Apa bezanya you and me? Every month dua-dua sama saja perangai. But yet why do I feel like I'm the ungrateful bitch?

Bukan selalu ba saya begitu. No patience sudah?

Why is it okay for you to do it but not me? Why can't I question it? Why why why?

Pemikiranku

How do I put to words what I feel. What my thoughts are.

I want to do one thing but I'm not sure if I can handle what comes with (or without) it.

I've head so much in my mind lately, I just don't know how to say it. It's all jumbled up and mixed up and un-teratur.

Maybe I know what I want. But I'm just in denial. And I'm just too afraid.

How do I be brave? How do I separate my heart from my mind?

The more I grow older the more I think I need a change.

I must not be lazy. I must not be a pushover. I must smile and laugh more. I must learn not to use my emotions too much.

So many things to learn to do.
But what guarantee do I have that I'll actually do it?

Nope. None. I have no guarantee. No agreement for me to sign except a promise to myself - a promise which can be broken at any time. I have no guarantee.

Sometimes I think there's really no way to do things unless you really truly and absolutely want to.

I really want to. But I'm not willing. Yet.

Happy New Year

2012 hasn't been a year for blogging. My 30-day blog project was on again, off again too many times.

For 2012, I'd like to thank my parents for letting me complete my final year in UK. That was one heck of a ride, which I miss and keep in my heart dearly. My Mum, for the trip to Paris and Disneyland. I became a child again. (i wanted to cry when I watched the parade). My Papa, who worked hard to find the money to send me to school and bought me my precious iPhone which I dearly love.

My dearest darling Ally. For coming all the way to visit me in February. For cooking up sambal ayam bawang bergantang tapi sedap. For coming to see the Eiffel Tower and Mona Lisa with me. And walking the streets of Venice with me. You endured air sickness, 13-hour flights, crazy ass delays but you came, still. You are the push that put me to where I am today, and though I am hard to handle I can't thank you enough for never giving up on me.

My KK-KL-UK friend Cammie, who has seen the craziest side of me. Thank you for the times we spent in Hatfield, London, and Aberystwyth. And also Birmingham and for Alton Towers with KiKi. And our gossip sessions over Milo Ais in Malaysia Hall canteen. Singing karaoke on youtube, running to catch the train and cooking pasta and tom yam soup. Thank you for the kiub pati and also sambal belacan. And also Maroon5 for the second year running.

For Ain, who came and visited me in Hatfield, twice. I thank you for sacrificing time, money and energy.
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings or made you cry unintentionally through out our friendship (close to 20 years and counting!). You will always be my one and only childhood friend!

For Pika, who I can share all my thoughts and worries with. 2012 was a memorable year, for the both of us! And I'm glad I had you whenever I needed. You were always there, and please know that I will always be there for you too. Anytime Pika!

Nur Thara Atikah, my darling sister from another mother. I'm going to miss you when you get married! You're gonna belong to a man in less than a year. Thank you for spending time with us whenever you could, and although I missed your engagement, God willing, I'll be there for your nikah and sanding. I mean. I have gotten kain for baju! Hehe.

My new found NST colleagues, whom I've come to know closer with each working day. Work will be so dull without the crazy little things you people do. And what would you guys do without my drawer stock-filled with food.

Here's to 2013.

More food adventures, imaginary travels, actual traveling, exciting assignments, better money management, career advancements, long-lasting love, tummy aching laughters, and picture perfect memories.

Insya-Allah, amin.

I am so so sleepy

I AM SO SLEEPY.

So very sleepy :(

Ladder

Whether I'm climbing up, or climbing down. Walking over or walking under it. I will end up exhausted either way.

Today I am realising that I have not have that one achievement that I am totally proud of. That I can say "Yes, I've done that successfully".

I need to apply for this one job, and the requirement was to write about one achievement that I'm most proud of.

Up till today, that is the question left unanswered.

I know I've done things that I never thought could happen, but I'm not necessarily most proud of it.

What am I proud of?

I really don't know.

Maybe, I'm not a proud person (cheh kunun). Maybe I don't like showing off. Maybe, I'm too afraid of how people will judge me.

I am smart, but there are smarter people. I can write, but there are better writers. I can speak, but there are better speakers.

Humility check? Self-esteem check?

Losing support, inability to decline, self-pressuring and heartbreaking.


....

My heart needs a break. I am no good to myself when I am no good to you.
I need healing, but that healing won't come.
That one thing that needs to appear doesn't appear. 
I may be asking too much, may be asking something that you won't want to give.

Because who am I to ask for it? When I myself don't give.

Don't like that I'm so hard on myself over things like this.

You don't know how much I am flawed. I am much better at hiding them than you think you can.



I need a break from myself.

Begitulah Ceritanya.

HAI.

I've been a lazy bum. Always wanting to blog but as soon as I press the compose button I head for the close button. *grin*

Anyway, I'm supposed to be in bed, because, my sahur won't count unless I go to bed first. But I can't I'm surprisingly not sleepy. Must be the green tea frap. But I don't know really.

Here are some life updates:
(if not for your benefit, for my own catatan and remembrance when I'm old and wrinkly)

I came back from the UK after what seemed to be a long cold 10 months. Which actually when I look back, time passed really quickly. It was hard to believe I actually studied there. Until now, it's a little hard to percaya.

I kinda miss the comfort of Room 3, Flat 69, Telford Court. That was the only place I called home. I miss walking to Butler Hall collecting parcels, hasil daripada the ridiculous ease of spending online. I also miss the "small numbers" when purchasing! Now that I'm back I still convert the prices to GBP just to feel better. I miss Fish & Chips Fridays! And Indian food Thursdays. I miss the campus cat. I miss the UNO bus. I miss ASDA! I miss the proximity to London town.

If I had it my way, I wouldn't stay forever. But it'll be definitely a place worth going back for a visit. (Or for a shopping spree)

I didn't get to travel as often as I'd like - not like I had the means and the time. But I saw what I wanted to see. And went to (almost) all the places I wanted to go.

Despite the hard work, tears, sleepless nights, and cold blasts of wind, I am thankful nonetheless. An experience that would truly be hard to forget.

***

Since then, I've been back and have been job hunting. It pains me to think that I have to grow up really soon! Not that I don't like it. Wait, maybe I don't really like it. It's just that I get a headache thinking of the amount of the responsibility one gets once all the studying is over.

I tell myself to persevere. I won't deny that I've gotten numerous rejections, but hey. That's part of life. I can't build my character if I hadn't had a chance to push myself up. But I'm never alone in all I do, and for that I'm forever grateful to you.

I've learned that I don't do well in phone interviews. I've come to accept that I can't be picky, because it is my first job and I am a fresh graduate. I also realise that I have had no formal internship, which is harder than I expected.

But yes. I remind myself constantly that something is out there somewhere for me. I have faith. I just cannot give up.

***

Fifty Shades of Grey is... How do I put it without sounding like a horny sex addict... It is interesting. If you open your mind just a little bit, let yourself loose, it can be a little hard to put down. C'mon, I'm 23. I'm allowed. :P




Ah well. Life has a strange way of twisting and turning you around. But trust yourself enough to fall back into place.

Eyebags don't matter. So long as I'm smiling, it's all good.

Have a wonderful Ramadhan. May we all benefit from this special month!


Till my kerajinan is back, bye!

I know it ain't easy

I'm trying not to add to the stress and tension.

I wish I was built just a tiny bit stronger than this.

But my goodness I just need an outlet.

Asdfghjkl.

QWOP!

I hate how frustrating this game gets me. The furthest I "ran" is 6.8 metres.

As you can see, I can barely cross the starting line.

6.8 metres was pure luck!


Okay.
Bye!