Ladder

Whether I'm climbing up, or climbing down. Walking over or walking under it. I will end up exhausted either way.

Today I am realising that I have not have that one achievement that I am totally proud of. That I can say "Yes, I've done that successfully".

I need to apply for this one job, and the requirement was to write about one achievement that I'm most proud of.

Up till today, that is the question left unanswered.

I know I've done things that I never thought could happen, but I'm not necessarily most proud of it.

What am I proud of?

I really don't know.

Maybe, I'm not a proud person (cheh kunun). Maybe I don't like showing off. Maybe, I'm too afraid of how people will judge me.

I am smart, but there are smarter people. I can write, but there are better writers. I can speak, but there are better speakers.

Humility check? Self-esteem check?

Losing support, inability to decline, self-pressuring and heartbreaking.


....

My heart needs a break. I am no good to myself when I am no good to you.
I need healing, but that healing won't come.
That one thing that needs to appear doesn't appear. 
I may be asking too much, may be asking something that you won't want to give.

Because who am I to ask for it? When I myself don't give.

Don't like that I'm so hard on myself over things like this.

You don't know how much I am flawed. I am much better at hiding them than you think you can.



I need a break from myself.