Happy New Year

2012 hasn't been a year for blogging. My 30-day blog project was on again, off again too many times.

For 2012, I'd like to thank my parents for letting me complete my final year in UK. That was one heck of a ride, which I miss and keep in my heart dearly. My Mum, for the trip to Paris and Disneyland. I became a child again. (i wanted to cry when I watched the parade). My Papa, who worked hard to find the money to send me to school and bought me my precious iPhone which I dearly love.

My dearest darling Ally. For coming all the way to visit me in February. For cooking up sambal ayam bawang bergantang tapi sedap. For coming to see the Eiffel Tower and Mona Lisa with me. And walking the streets of Venice with me. You endured air sickness, 13-hour flights, crazy ass delays but you came, still. You are the push that put me to where I am today, and though I am hard to handle I can't thank you enough for never giving up on me.

My KK-KL-UK friend Cammie, who has seen the craziest side of me. Thank you for the times we spent in Hatfield, London, and Aberystwyth. And also Birmingham and for Alton Towers with KiKi. And our gossip sessions over Milo Ais in Malaysia Hall canteen. Singing karaoke on youtube, running to catch the train and cooking pasta and tom yam soup. Thank you for the kiub pati and also sambal belacan. And also Maroon5 for the second year running.

For Ain, who came and visited me in Hatfield, twice. I thank you for sacrificing time, money and energy.
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings or made you cry unintentionally through out our friendship (close to 20 years and counting!). You will always be my one and only childhood friend!

For Pika, who I can share all my thoughts and worries with. 2012 was a memorable year, for the both of us! And I'm glad I had you whenever I needed. You were always there, and please know that I will always be there for you too. Anytime Pika!

Nur Thara Atikah, my darling sister from another mother. I'm going to miss you when you get married! You're gonna belong to a man in less than a year. Thank you for spending time with us whenever you could, and although I missed your engagement, God willing, I'll be there for your nikah and sanding. I mean. I have gotten kain for baju! Hehe.

My new found NST colleagues, whom I've come to know closer with each working day. Work will be so dull without the crazy little things you people do. And what would you guys do without my drawer stock-filled with food.

Here's to 2013.

More food adventures, imaginary travels, actual traveling, exciting assignments, better money management, career advancements, long-lasting love, tummy aching laughters, and picture perfect memories.

Insya-Allah, amin.

I am so so sleepy

I AM SO SLEEPY.

So very sleepy :(

Ladder

Whether I'm climbing up, or climbing down. Walking over or walking under it. I will end up exhausted either way.

Today I am realising that I have not have that one achievement that I am totally proud of. That I can say "Yes, I've done that successfully".

I need to apply for this one job, and the requirement was to write about one achievement that I'm most proud of.

Up till today, that is the question left unanswered.

I know I've done things that I never thought could happen, but I'm not necessarily most proud of it.

What am I proud of?

I really don't know.

Maybe, I'm not a proud person (cheh kunun). Maybe I don't like showing off. Maybe, I'm too afraid of how people will judge me.

I am smart, but there are smarter people. I can write, but there are better writers. I can speak, but there are better speakers.

Humility check? Self-esteem check?

Losing support, inability to decline, self-pressuring and heartbreaking.


....

My heart needs a break. I am no good to myself when I am no good to you.
I need healing, but that healing won't come.
That one thing that needs to appear doesn't appear. 
I may be asking too much, may be asking something that you won't want to give.

Because who am I to ask for it? When I myself don't give.

Don't like that I'm so hard on myself over things like this.

You don't know how much I am flawed. I am much better at hiding them than you think you can.



I need a break from myself.

Begitulah Ceritanya.

HAI.

I've been a lazy bum. Always wanting to blog but as soon as I press the compose button I head for the close button. *grin*

Anyway, I'm supposed to be in bed, because, my sahur won't count unless I go to bed first. But I can't I'm surprisingly not sleepy. Must be the green tea frap. But I don't know really.

Here are some life updates:
(if not for your benefit, for my own catatan and remembrance when I'm old and wrinkly)

I came back from the UK after what seemed to be a long cold 10 months. Which actually when I look back, time passed really quickly. It was hard to believe I actually studied there. Until now, it's a little hard to percaya.

I kinda miss the comfort of Room 3, Flat 69, Telford Court. That was the only place I called home. I miss walking to Butler Hall collecting parcels, hasil daripada the ridiculous ease of spending online. I also miss the "small numbers" when purchasing! Now that I'm back I still convert the prices to GBP just to feel better. I miss Fish & Chips Fridays! And Indian food Thursdays. I miss the campus cat. I miss the UNO bus. I miss ASDA! I miss the proximity to London town.

If I had it my way, I wouldn't stay forever. But it'll be definitely a place worth going back for a visit. (Or for a shopping spree)

I didn't get to travel as often as I'd like - not like I had the means and the time. But I saw what I wanted to see. And went to (almost) all the places I wanted to go.

Despite the hard work, tears, sleepless nights, and cold blasts of wind, I am thankful nonetheless. An experience that would truly be hard to forget.

***

Since then, I've been back and have been job hunting. It pains me to think that I have to grow up really soon! Not that I don't like it. Wait, maybe I don't really like it. It's just that I get a headache thinking of the amount of the responsibility one gets once all the studying is over.

I tell myself to persevere. I won't deny that I've gotten numerous rejections, but hey. That's part of life. I can't build my character if I hadn't had a chance to push myself up. But I'm never alone in all I do, and for that I'm forever grateful to you.

I've learned that I don't do well in phone interviews. I've come to accept that I can't be picky, because it is my first job and I am a fresh graduate. I also realise that I have had no formal internship, which is harder than I expected.

But yes. I remind myself constantly that something is out there somewhere for me. I have faith. I just cannot give up.

***

Fifty Shades of Grey is... How do I put it without sounding like a horny sex addict... It is interesting. If you open your mind just a little bit, let yourself loose, it can be a little hard to put down. C'mon, I'm 23. I'm allowed. :P




Ah well. Life has a strange way of twisting and turning you around. But trust yourself enough to fall back into place.

Eyebags don't matter. So long as I'm smiling, it's all good.

Have a wonderful Ramadhan. May we all benefit from this special month!


Till my kerajinan is back, bye!

I know it ain't easy

I'm trying not to add to the stress and tension.

I wish I was built just a tiny bit stronger than this.

But my goodness I just need an outlet.

Asdfghjkl.

QWOP!

I hate how frustrating this game gets me. The furthest I "ran" is 6.8 metres.

As you can see, I can barely cross the starting line.

6.8 metres was pure luck!


Okay.
Bye!

The other day, I turned 23

On May 12th, I turned 23. What blessing it was when it was sun shiny on the day of my birth! Weather has been wet all week that week and it was great to have the sun and breeze that day.

I found many excuses to make my birthday last longer.

1. Birthday "celebrations" started at 5pm London time - because it was 12am in Malaysia.
2. And again when the clock struck 12 in Hatfield
3. Around 1.30 am when Carl, Ness, and Nic came over to surprise me with Cake!
4. The whole day spent packing while watching House MD
5. Upset that in Malaysian time birthday was over at 5pm London time. But since I was in UK it was still my birthday.
6. Had birthday dinner with friends at Wagamama.
7. At 11:45 pm announced that it was officially my birthday since I was born at 11:45 pm. Which really means my birthday only started at that time.
8. Refused to end my special day once the clock struck 12 on May 13th. And said that it was still May 12th in New York.

Even before my birthday came I was already upset that it would end and that I would have to wait another 365 days (God willing, InsyaAllah) to celebrate it again. So you see, my birthday is a big deal to me. I get upset when people I care about forget my birthday. I love getting wished and wishing myself happy birthday. I love feeling happy and feeling special. I love birthdays. I think it's important to feel special because you were born! I'm sure there's a purpose for you in life, yes?

I am still thinking of a birthday gift for myself.

I really want a Spinner 360.

On another note, I was at Westfield two days ago. Had the most amazing New York Cheese cake. Granted, I haven't had cheese cake in a really long time but oh my goodness it was mmmmmmmm.


I miss feeling like the only girl in the world.



Shaddap. I love this song.


Okay bye!

Day Nine

Day 09: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Mau rotate dia tidaaaak ter-rotate rotate!

Skyping, because it's impossible to go through without it!

Easy. No need to think who!

Kununnya mau update setiap hari. Kunun lah, kunun. But instead got caught up with cleaning up and packing and catching up with Grey's Anatomy. How does Shonda and her team come up with such story lines?!

My favourite season finale is still Season 6's. Damn bikin takut!

Anyway.

I have been thinking a lot about my hair lately.
I really want to grow it out. Cause I've had short hair for too long. But knowing me, well you know me. I love getting haircuts. Sikit-sikit mau potong rambut. I love going to the saloon.
Maybe this time I'll just let my hair grow and go to saloon for... treatments? Mani/Pedi? Haha.

 I'm getting very anxious with results. Oh my. Two subjects has left me a little disappointed, but I did do my best. So let's hope for even better for my remaining two! I don't know how to calculate NMP. It is leaving me with serious questions.

I return to home sweet home in 12 days! That's two days less than 2 weeks. Extremely excited. Actually really excited to get on that plane. I love plane rides.

I still have not watched Avengers. I sedih!

Cannot wait to give Mr Harry Clever Potatohead (Izzy) a hug!


Love,
Nazie.

Eleventh Day of May Two Thousand and Twelve

Day 08: A picture that makes you laugh.

Somehow I thought it was damn funny to put on the hoodie backwards.

We were supposed to be three blind mice.

I forgot how much I love Agnes Monica.



It's my birthday tomorrow :) It's not even here yet but I'm already sad that I'd have to wait another year (God willing, Insya-Allah amiiiin) to celebrate my birthday again. I'm sorry but my birthday is a big deal to me!

Okay.
Bye!

30-Day blog Challenge: Continued!

Well okay I know it's been so long and I'm only up to day seven. Busy bah! (Kunun)

Day 07: A picture of your most treasured item.

 Okay I had so many treasured items I couldn't pick just one. I'm sure I have more, but it'd fill my whole table. So!

1. My Laptop.
2. My special edition Chelsea Maika Golden Half+flash.
3. My surprise gift; Blackberry 8520 kesayangan ku yang semakin uzur.
4. My iPod!! Tercinta.
5. My Fossil watch which I bought in Paris. Hahaha. I love that watch.
5. My Nikon D60. Which I think it's time to change the body.

What else is missing. My coloured pens, my markers, my colour pencils, my whole pencil case. My ring on my finger, my JPG perfume, my instant camera, my Fisheye, and so much more I cannot pick one aaaargghh!


Okay.
Bye!

Revival

Arrrguh!

To say hello in Pirate:

Pirate — arrrguh (pronounced are-g-uh with emphasis on the are, usually with rolled r) Ahoy Matey (pronounced Ah-hoi mate-ey, is usually to another crew member)

The month of April was do or die.

Yes sure, April started off with a two week Easter break - which I was pretty sure He almost didn't want me to go anywhere. But that's another story.

My first few days in April was filled with baju formal shopping. Twas raining and cold! But I came back a happy girl with pretty stuff heeee. Then the two days after that was spent on attending interview sessions for the UKEC career fair at UCL grounds in London. I was a little late sebab I sesat-ed! One of the students yang was part of the urusing team told me to go to another building when in fact it was in a whole other building. Luckily I wasn't totally late and was not the latest.

The interview process was really interesting and definitely nerve-wrecking. Definitely. On the second day of the interview at Hyatt Regency in London, I treated myself with Primark. Of course la kan. A trip to London is never complete without going into Primark whether or not you buy things.

Next agenda during Easter Break was a short holiday with Cammie dearest.

We wanted to go out of the country, angan-angan Germany la. Greece la. That didn't go well.
Decided Paris. Disneyland! Also, didn't go well.
Wanted to go Harry Potter studios at Watford. Tickets were sold out till May.
Wanted to go to Stonehenge. No.
Wanted to do a theme park trip. Legoland-Thorpe Park-Alton Towers.

Ended up with only going to Alton Towers.

See why I say God didn't want me to go anywhere?

Anyway,

Spring was supposed to look like this:

We've had that for like. One week. Which was towards the end of March. Since then weather really has been gloomy and wet. Like this...

photo from accuweather.com

And it was even snowing+raining at one point of time!
England weather, why you fail me.

That certainly didn't stop Cammie, KiKi and me from going to Alton!

We stayed over at KiKi's for the night, asked KiKi all sorts of questions about tulangs and muscles and I got so fascinated by the Physiotherapy handbook!

Then, Cammie came over to Hatfield! And then the next day she balik and then it was work from then on for me.

The next two weeks proved to be terribly taxing. Between April 16th till April 29th, I had six assignments to complete. With my final project out of the way, the next biggest obstacle was to complete the Mass Comms Promotional website for UH. That one was my final assignment to submit, which was on a Sunday, April 29th.

The rainy weather was a friend and foe. It prevented me from going out to get food, but it also made me really sleepy which was such a challenge. Kesian, tidur tidak menentu bah during those two weeks. I just kept telling myself that it was the two final weeks of my life as an undergraduate.

It only hit me a few days ago, that it is really over. I am done with my degree. After almost 21 years of education, I am done with my degree.

Now that it's my month of May, all I've done was sleep, eat, watch TV, and pack. I am excited for Mum to come! Which is in 11 days!

Next step?

I don't know. A steady job for a few years. Then a Masters probably? Tingu lah. As Mummy would say, "Kalau masa dan duit mengizinkan, insya-Allah, buli baituuu"

I've already have a list of things I want to eat once I get back. Leaving UK will be bittersweet, but there is absolutely nothing like home sweet home.

"RAWR!" said Dino.

Happy month of May! My 23rd Birthday is in 6 days!

With love,
Nazie and Dino.

Take me to all those places I've never been, okay?


Rambut sudah panjang. Balik nanti mesti mau trim!

Intentions

Interesting how the brain works. The way it controls your actions and feelings. How you manage to do one thing when you're really thinking of another.

What's even more interesting is how your brain is the best at making things bigger than it may seem.

Or how your brain lets the heart take control.


Still asking the same question. Why did You build me this way?

There is a Learning Curve to This

Why did You build me this way.

I'm just trying to understand myself. Maybe when I understand how and why I am the way I am, I am able to understand others better.

What am I doing wrong? I think I am trying. I think I'm making progress.

Ah okay. But how much progress?

I was convinced that I was the greatest. Apparently, not so much.




I really don't want to go back there. 


And I won't. I just needed to let all of this out.

It'll get better.

Spam Mail

WTF.

Transitions

I always feel like I have a lot to say. But once I open this page I go *blank*





Okay.
Forget about it.

Out of My Mind

I am so bored.

So bored to the tahap that I am not even hungry. That is how BORED I am.

Today we were puzzled by trying to figure out what exactly is "presentation" in Malay.

1. Presentasi?!
2. Persembahan
3. Pembentangan

We decided pembentangan sounded most logical.
So what is "progression"?

I've got tonnes of work to settle by end of March, can I handle it? Yes I can. I can I can. I can ba tu, I can. Don't tell me to get some work done, because believe you me, I actually did some work done today. Today was a productive day. Sorted out my laundry to do tomorrow, still contemplating on whether or not to go to Asda tomorrow or Monday, got a proper checklist done on things to do for the NMP Project, and actually very excited to get the magazine produced!

But at the same time nervous, of course.

I'm not as worried for the final project, as I am with producing the website. Or the press kit. Or the storyboard. Hogosh.

Can I manage?


I'll manage.
I have to.

Say "Hi!" to Dino! <3

 Happy weekend peeps!


Ee, peeps. Haha!

Okay bye!

Light At The End of The Tunnel

If you really knew me
You probably won't like me.

I suppress what I feel I should
Because if I don't, I really think you'd walk away.
I guess everybody does that.
We're all part evil, aren't we.

I'm not that nice. As much as I'd like to think I am. I'm really not.


It takes a great deal of power to be able to keep all the negative energy inside.
If I let it out, haha. Habis lah.


You roar, and have sharp teeth....

...But I have the horns.


Give and take, you know?






Walking patiently to the light at the end of the tunnel. Walk with me, please?

Even for a little while

So I can't draw lips.

I saw Reggie's post on her room project painting calla lilies. And I have to say, I miss colours! I miss my colour pencils, I miss my paint, I miss my crayons. I miss my all-in-one buku conteng-conteng doodle-doodle.

I don't know what to feel now.

To the rest of you, have a great Sunday, and Happy Year of the Dragon! Gong xi gong xi!

Okay. Bye!

Like Stealing the Idol From the Temple

Temple Run.





I was playing this game for the first time after downloading it earlier this evening, and I don't know how it struck to me as relating this game to actual life.

(Okay, I may have some indirect experience with relating random things with how life is, so...)

The objective of Temple Run is to run as far as you can, avoiding obstacles while collecting coins along the way. You've to make quick decisions to turn precisely at corners, and pick up the pace as you run further and further.

Why is it like life?

Firstly, life is all about moving forward. There's really no turning back. Walk, run, jump, sidestep, everything is about going ahead. Looking back won't change anything. It's what lies ahead that counts.

Secondly, you're never gonna be short of having to make decisions! And every choice you make, it's bound to come with it's share of consequences. Turn left you duck, turn right you leap. Which ever route you take, the choice is yours and it's how you handle what comes your way is what matters most.

Thirdly, make a mistake of hitting something, and the black monkeys come and chase after you. In life, you'll make mistakes, and that is when people will be on your backs trying to push you further down. Give it your all. Outrun them, prove them wrong, and continue forward.

Fourth, we're all chasing after something in this world. Fame, money, happiness, anything. With "anything" comes risk. Take the risk to jump over fire, or slide under a narrow gate. Get too greedy, stray too far, and you may just fall off. But if you don't take the chance and it's your loss. When an opportunity comes, take it - take the risk, but be mindful and cautious.

Fifth, pay full attention to what you care about most. You'll never know, cause anything can happen in a split second! Yeah everything is all forwards, but while on the move you've still got to be careful of what you say and do. Not everything is jumping for coins!

Did I make sense? I think I did. Trust me, this philosophical thingy sounded wayyy better in my head. I like point number three? You? ;) **TTM*

Semester B starts Tuesday at 11. Keen? Sort of, kind of. Seen the assignment brief for Advertising and OH NO not another case study. But I'm sure it'll be interesting.

Something to look forward to every month while I'm here up till June

February: YOU! Can't wait! 12 days to go.
March: All-England Badminton 2012 at Birmingham
April: 2-week Easter Break
May: I turn 23! *gasp!*
June: Pulang ke tanah airku! 2-year mark!

I am currently playing Raisa's album on repeat. There is just something about her voice or her song. Haven't gotten tired of it yet. Songs I love, Could it Be, Apalah (Arti Menunggu), Terjebak Nostalgia, and Serba Salah.

I wonder if I suggest a song to anybody and when they listen to it they go "This song's so Hana". Ada kah?

Eeyeah. Okay.

Because I can.

Have a good weekend everyone. Bye!

* TTM = Tidak Tahu Malu

Friday the 13th.

There are just no words.

Typed. Deleted. Countless of times. I just. I don't know lah.

My problem is not my ability to express. It's the lack of courage.

I really hate having to go to through the night like this.

Maybe what I need is a serious heart to heart. No judgements. No boundaries. No hard feelings. Just one whole session of listening, digesting, acceptance, and calm and collected discussions.

Mmhmm. 

Yes. Still striving for perfection. Whatever that means.