I am so so sleepy

I AM SO SLEEPY.

So very sleepy :(

Ladder

Whether I'm climbing up, or climbing down. Walking over or walking under it. I will end up exhausted either way.

Today I am realising that I have not have that one achievement that I am totally proud of. That I can say "Yes, I've done that successfully".

I need to apply for this one job, and the requirement was to write about one achievement that I'm most proud of.

Up till today, that is the question left unanswered.

I know I've done things that I never thought could happen, but I'm not necessarily most proud of it.

What am I proud of?

I really don't know.

Maybe, I'm not a proud person (cheh kunun). Maybe I don't like showing off. Maybe, I'm too afraid of how people will judge me.

I am smart, but there are smarter people. I can write, but there are better writers. I can speak, but there are better speakers.

Humility check? Self-esteem check?

Losing support, inability to decline, self-pressuring and heartbreaking.


....

My heart needs a break. I am no good to myself when I am no good to you.
I need healing, but that healing won't come.
That one thing that needs to appear doesn't appear. 
I may be asking too much, may be asking something that you won't want to give.

Because who am I to ask for it? When I myself don't give.

Don't like that I'm so hard on myself over things like this.

You don't know how much I am flawed. I am much better at hiding them than you think you can.



I need a break from myself.

Begitulah Ceritanya.

HAI.

I've been a lazy bum. Always wanting to blog but as soon as I press the compose button I head for the close button. *grin*

Anyway, I'm supposed to be in bed, because, my sahur won't count unless I go to bed first. But I can't I'm surprisingly not sleepy. Must be the green tea frap. But I don't know really.

Here are some life updates:
(if not for your benefit, for my own catatan and remembrance when I'm old and wrinkly)

I came back from the UK after what seemed to be a long cold 10 months. Which actually when I look back, time passed really quickly. It was hard to believe I actually studied there. Until now, it's a little hard to percaya.

I kinda miss the comfort of Room 3, Flat 69, Telford Court. That was the only place I called home. I miss walking to Butler Hall collecting parcels, hasil daripada the ridiculous ease of spending online. I also miss the "small numbers" when purchasing! Now that I'm back I still convert the prices to GBP just to feel better. I miss Fish & Chips Fridays! And Indian food Thursdays. I miss the campus cat. I miss the UNO bus. I miss ASDA! I miss the proximity to London town.

If I had it my way, I wouldn't stay forever. But it'll be definitely a place worth going back for a visit. (Or for a shopping spree)

I didn't get to travel as often as I'd like - not like I had the means and the time. But I saw what I wanted to see. And went to (almost) all the places I wanted to go.

Despite the hard work, tears, sleepless nights, and cold blasts of wind, I am thankful nonetheless. An experience that would truly be hard to forget.

***

Since then, I've been back and have been job hunting. It pains me to think that I have to grow up really soon! Not that I don't like it. Wait, maybe I don't really like it. It's just that I get a headache thinking of the amount of the responsibility one gets once all the studying is over.

I tell myself to persevere. I won't deny that I've gotten numerous rejections, but hey. That's part of life. I can't build my character if I hadn't had a chance to push myself up. But I'm never alone in all I do, and for that I'm forever grateful to you.

I've learned that I don't do well in phone interviews. I've come to accept that I can't be picky, because it is my first job and I am a fresh graduate. I also realise that I have had no formal internship, which is harder than I expected.

But yes. I remind myself constantly that something is out there somewhere for me. I have faith. I just cannot give up.

***

Fifty Shades of Grey is... How do I put it without sounding like a horny sex addict... It is interesting. If you open your mind just a little bit, let yourself loose, it can be a little hard to put down. C'mon, I'm 23. I'm allowed. :P




Ah well. Life has a strange way of twisting and turning you around. But trust yourself enough to fall back into place.

Eyebags don't matter. So long as I'm smiling, it's all good.

Have a wonderful Ramadhan. May we all benefit from this special month!


Till my kerajinan is back, bye!

I know it ain't easy

I'm trying not to add to the stress and tension.

I wish I was built just a tiny bit stronger than this.

But my goodness I just need an outlet.

Asdfghjkl.

QWOP!

I hate how frustrating this game gets me. The furthest I "ran" is 6.8 metres.

As you can see, I can barely cross the starting line.

6.8 metres was pure luck!


Okay.
Bye!

The other day, I turned 23

On May 12th, I turned 23. What blessing it was when it was sun shiny on the day of my birth! Weather has been wet all week that week and it was great to have the sun and breeze that day.

I found many excuses to make my birthday last longer.

1. Birthday "celebrations" started at 5pm London time - because it was 12am in Malaysia.
2. And again when the clock struck 12 in Hatfield
3. Around 1.30 am when Carl, Ness, and Nic came over to surprise me with Cake!
4. The whole day spent packing while watching House MD
5. Upset that in Malaysian time birthday was over at 5pm London time. But since I was in UK it was still my birthday.
6. Had birthday dinner with friends at Wagamama.
7. At 11:45 pm announced that it was officially my birthday since I was born at 11:45 pm. Which really means my birthday only started at that time.
8. Refused to end my special day once the clock struck 12 on May 13th. And said that it was still May 12th in New York.

Even before my birthday came I was already upset that it would end and that I would have to wait another 365 days (God willing, InsyaAllah) to celebrate it again. So you see, my birthday is a big deal to me. I get upset when people I care about forget my birthday. I love getting wished and wishing myself happy birthday. I love feeling happy and feeling special. I love birthdays. I think it's important to feel special because you were born! I'm sure there's a purpose for you in life, yes?

I am still thinking of a birthday gift for myself.

I really want a Spinner 360.

On another note, I was at Westfield two days ago. Had the most amazing New York Cheese cake. Granted, I haven't had cheese cake in a really long time but oh my goodness it was mmmmmmmm.


I miss feeling like the only girl in the world.



Shaddap. I love this song.


Okay bye!

Day Nine

Day 09: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Mau rotate dia tidaaaak ter-rotate rotate!

Skyping, because it's impossible to go through without it!

Easy. No need to think who!

Kununnya mau update setiap hari. Kunun lah, kunun. But instead got caught up with cleaning up and packing and catching up with Grey's Anatomy. How does Shonda and her team come up with such story lines?!

My favourite season finale is still Season 6's. Damn bikin takut!

Anyway.

I have been thinking a lot about my hair lately.
I really want to grow it out. Cause I've had short hair for too long. But knowing me, well you know me. I love getting haircuts. Sikit-sikit mau potong rambut. I love going to the saloon.
Maybe this time I'll just let my hair grow and go to saloon for... treatments? Mani/Pedi? Haha.

 I'm getting very anxious with results. Oh my. Two subjects has left me a little disappointed, but I did do my best. So let's hope for even better for my remaining two! I don't know how to calculate NMP. It is leaving me with serious questions.

I return to home sweet home in 12 days! That's two days less than 2 weeks. Extremely excited. Actually really excited to get on that plane. I love plane rides.

I still have not watched Avengers. I sedih!

Cannot wait to give Mr Harry Clever Potatohead (Izzy) a hug!


Love,
Nazie.