Ladder

Whether I'm climbing up, or climbing down. Walking over or walking under it. I will end up exhausted either way.

Today I am realising that I have not have that one achievement that I am totally proud of. That I can say "Yes, I've done that successfully".

I need to apply for this one job, and the requirement was to write about one achievement that I'm most proud of.

Up till today, that is the question left unanswered.

I know I've done things that I never thought could happen, but I'm not necessarily most proud of it.

What am I proud of?

I really don't know.

Maybe, I'm not a proud person (cheh kunun). Maybe I don't like showing off. Maybe, I'm too afraid of how people will judge me.

I am smart, but there are smarter people. I can write, but there are better writers. I can speak, but there are better speakers.

Humility check? Self-esteem check?

Losing support, inability to decline, self-pressuring and heartbreaking.


....

My heart needs a break. I am no good to myself when I am no good to you.
I need healing, but that healing won't come.
That one thing that needs to appear doesn't appear. 
I may be asking too much, may be asking something that you won't want to give.

Because who am I to ask for it? When I myself don't give.

Don't like that I'm so hard on myself over things like this.

You don't know how much I am flawed. I am much better at hiding them than you think you can.



I need a break from myself.

Begitulah Ceritanya.

HAI.

I've been a lazy bum. Always wanting to blog but as soon as I press the compose button I head for the close button. *grin*

Anyway, I'm supposed to be in bed, because, my sahur won't count unless I go to bed first. But I can't I'm surprisingly not sleepy. Must be the green tea frap. But I don't know really.

Here are some life updates:
(if not for your benefit, for my own catatan and remembrance when I'm old and wrinkly)

I came back from the UK after what seemed to be a long cold 10 months. Which actually when I look back, time passed really quickly. It was hard to believe I actually studied there. Until now, it's a little hard to percaya.

I kinda miss the comfort of Room 3, Flat 69, Telford Court. That was the only place I called home. I miss walking to Butler Hall collecting parcels, hasil daripada the ridiculous ease of spending online. I also miss the "small numbers" when purchasing! Now that I'm back I still convert the prices to GBP just to feel better. I miss Fish & Chips Fridays! And Indian food Thursdays. I miss the campus cat. I miss the UNO bus. I miss ASDA! I miss the proximity to London town.

If I had it my way, I wouldn't stay forever. But it'll be definitely a place worth going back for a visit. (Or for a shopping spree)

I didn't get to travel as often as I'd like - not like I had the means and the time. But I saw what I wanted to see. And went to (almost) all the places I wanted to go.

Despite the hard work, tears, sleepless nights, and cold blasts of wind, I am thankful nonetheless. An experience that would truly be hard to forget.

***

Since then, I've been back and have been job hunting. It pains me to think that I have to grow up really soon! Not that I don't like it. Wait, maybe I don't really like it. It's just that I get a headache thinking of the amount of the responsibility one gets once all the studying is over.

I tell myself to persevere. I won't deny that I've gotten numerous rejections, but hey. That's part of life. I can't build my character if I hadn't had a chance to push myself up. But I'm never alone in all I do, and for that I'm forever grateful to you.

I've learned that I don't do well in phone interviews. I've come to accept that I can't be picky, because it is my first job and I am a fresh graduate. I also realise that I have had no formal internship, which is harder than I expected.

But yes. I remind myself constantly that something is out there somewhere for me. I have faith. I just cannot give up.

***

Fifty Shades of Grey is... How do I put it without sounding like a horny sex addict... It is interesting. If you open your mind just a little bit, let yourself loose, it can be a little hard to put down. C'mon, I'm 23. I'm allowed. :P




Ah well. Life has a strange way of twisting and turning you around. But trust yourself enough to fall back into place.

Eyebags don't matter. So long as I'm smiling, it's all good.

Have a wonderful Ramadhan. May we all benefit from this special month!


Till my kerajinan is back, bye!

The other day, I turned 23

On May 12th, I turned 23. What blessing it was when it was sun shiny on the day of my birth! Weather has been wet all week that week and it was great to have the sun and breeze that day.

I found many excuses to make my birthday last longer.

1. Birthday "celebrations" started at 5pm London time - because it was 12am in Malaysia.
2. And again when the clock struck 12 in Hatfield
3. Around 1.30 am when Carl, Ness, and Nic came over to surprise me with Cake!
4. The whole day spent packing while watching House MD
5. Upset that in Malaysian time birthday was over at 5pm London time. But since I was in UK it was still my birthday.
6. Had birthday dinner with friends at Wagamama.
7. At 11:45 pm announced that it was officially my birthday since I was born at 11:45 pm. Which really means my birthday only started at that time.
8. Refused to end my special day once the clock struck 12 on May 13th. And said that it was still May 12th in New York.

Even before my birthday came I was already upset that it would end and that I would have to wait another 365 days (God willing, InsyaAllah) to celebrate it again. So you see, my birthday is a big deal to me. I get upset when people I care about forget my birthday. I love getting wished and wishing myself happy birthday. I love feeling happy and feeling special. I love birthdays. I think it's important to feel special because you were born! I'm sure there's a purpose for you in life, yes?

I am still thinking of a birthday gift for myself.

I really want a Spinner 360.

On another note, I was at Westfield two days ago. Had the most amazing New York Cheese cake. Granted, I haven't had cheese cake in a really long time but oh my goodness it was mmmmmmmm.


I miss feeling like the only girl in the world.



Shaddap. I love this song.


Okay bye!

Intentions

Interesting how the brain works. The way it controls your actions and feelings. How you manage to do one thing when you're really thinking of another.

What's even more interesting is how your brain is the best at making things bigger than it may seem.

Or how your brain lets the heart take control.


Still asking the same question. Why did You build me this way?

There is a Learning Curve to This

Why did You build me this way.

I'm just trying to understand myself. Maybe when I understand how and why I am the way I am, I am able to understand others better.

What am I doing wrong? I think I am trying. I think I'm making progress.

Ah okay. But how much progress?

I was convinced that I was the greatest. Apparently, not so much.




I really don't want to go back there. 


And I won't. I just needed to let all of this out.

It'll get better.

Light At The End of The Tunnel

If you really knew me
You probably won't like me.

I suppress what I feel I should
Because if I don't, I really think you'd walk away.
I guess everybody does that.
We're all part evil, aren't we.

I'm not that nice. As much as I'd like to think I am. I'm really not.


It takes a great deal of power to be able to keep all the negative energy inside.
If I let it out, haha. Habis lah.


You roar, and have sharp teeth....

...But I have the horns.


Give and take, you know?






Walking patiently to the light at the end of the tunnel. Walk with me, please?

Like Stealing the Idol From the Temple

Temple Run.





I was playing this game for the first time after downloading it earlier this evening, and I don't know how it struck to me as relating this game to actual life.

(Okay, I may have some indirect experience with relating random things with how life is, so...)

The objective of Temple Run is to run as far as you can, avoiding obstacles while collecting coins along the way. You've to make quick decisions to turn precisely at corners, and pick up the pace as you run further and further.

Why is it like life?

Firstly, life is all about moving forward. There's really no turning back. Walk, run, jump, sidestep, everything is about going ahead. Looking back won't change anything. It's what lies ahead that counts.

Secondly, you're never gonna be short of having to make decisions! And every choice you make, it's bound to come with it's share of consequences. Turn left you duck, turn right you leap. Which ever route you take, the choice is yours and it's how you handle what comes your way is what matters most.

Thirdly, make a mistake of hitting something, and the black monkeys come and chase after you. In life, you'll make mistakes, and that is when people will be on your backs trying to push you further down. Give it your all. Outrun them, prove them wrong, and continue forward.

Fourth, we're all chasing after something in this world. Fame, money, happiness, anything. With "anything" comes risk. Take the risk to jump over fire, or slide under a narrow gate. Get too greedy, stray too far, and you may just fall off. But if you don't take the chance and it's your loss. When an opportunity comes, take it - take the risk, but be mindful and cautious.

Fifth, pay full attention to what you care about most. You'll never know, cause anything can happen in a split second! Yeah everything is all forwards, but while on the move you've still got to be careful of what you say and do. Not everything is jumping for coins!

Did I make sense? I think I did. Trust me, this philosophical thingy sounded wayyy better in my head. I like point number three? You? ;) **TTM*

Semester B starts Tuesday at 11. Keen? Sort of, kind of. Seen the assignment brief for Advertising and OH NO not another case study. But I'm sure it'll be interesting.

Something to look forward to every month while I'm here up till June

February: YOU! Can't wait! 12 days to go.
March: All-England Badminton 2012 at Birmingham
April: 2-week Easter Break
May: I turn 23! *gasp!*
June: Pulang ke tanah airku! 2-year mark!

I am currently playing Raisa's album on repeat. There is just something about her voice or her song. Haven't gotten tired of it yet. Songs I love, Could it Be, Apalah (Arti Menunggu), Terjebak Nostalgia, and Serba Salah.

I wonder if I suggest a song to anybody and when they listen to it they go "This song's so Hana". Ada kah?

Eeyeah. Okay.

Because I can.

Have a good weekend everyone. Bye!

* TTM = Tidak Tahu Malu

Striving For Perfection

People look for perfection.
People dream to achieve perfection.

Even though everyone knows - perfection is rare, little, sometimes non-existent.

But what is perfect?

A sunny day, not a cloud in the big blue sky?
A soft, moist, creamy piece of cake?
Waking up to a rainy morning and being able to go back to sleep?
Having everything go according to plan?

That sunny day may suddenly rain. The soft moist creamy piece of cake may be soft moist and creamy to you but not to another person. That  rainy morning makes it difficult for others who do need to get out. And to get things to go according to your plans happens most of the time only in the movies.

Eh, negativenya?

On a lighter note... "Perfection" does bring different meanings to different people. And, we never seem to want to give up on being 'perfect'.

Perfection - it is something we all wish for at some point of our lives. It's only human. Greatness cannot be achieved without some spunk and self-confidence. You are what you believe. So believe in all that is gooood. *cheerleaders cheering you on*

No one is perfect… that’s why pencils have erasers. -anon

I'm nothing in between, you know you wouldn't want it any other way



Happy holidays! Bye!

Productivity

Hi!

Actually, ada ka orang read my blog? Baru mau wonder after so long...

Okay. I had a really good burger for dinner. Come I take you to half an hour ago when I had my burger

Caramelized onions and sauteed mushrooms on a beef patty topped with honey BBQ sauce covered in Cheddar Cheese

(Buh. Padahal tiada apa-apa special pun)

Bah ya la. Memang la tidak special, tapi kan... Sedap oh! Mmm. I was afraid my beef patty wouldn't cook well, I poked the patty so many times it looked kinda not so pretty once it was cooked. Doesn't matter la ba kan, as long as sedap and it was so juicy! Mmm.

Sebenarnya, I have an assignment to complete. Due Saturday. But tonight I just feel like listening to music and sing in celebration of the completion of my first semester at UH. I have a 3-week Christmas break, which I still have 3 assignments to kasi siap, sebelum the next sem. Why? Because all of it will be due on the first week of the new semester.

-_-"

I have had some sort of bad luck with dips/sauces in the past 2 days.

Scene #1
  I wanted to eat my Doritos with my nacho cheese dip. Tangan saya kecil, lepas tu kan, the bottle pula susaaaah betul mau buka. Okay FINE. I ran it under hot water. Try buka again. Cannot. Lagi, run lagi longer under hot water. Try lagi, nda boleh juga! Okay. Another try running the cap under hot water lagi lama sikit. Sekali twist the cap, SPLAT! on my nose, my face, a little on my toes, blotches on the carpet, one loooong streak on the sink, on the side of my cupboard and on my laundry. The bottle cracked and chipped a little bit (I don't know where the chipped part went). My room smelled like cheese dip.

Scene #2
  I wanted to eat my Doritos with my BBQ sauce. I dunno lah why I so pandai, I took a piece of the Dorito chip and attempted to picit out some BBQ sauce on to that piece. Sekali I picit! Banyak keluar! And it ended up on my toe and chair.


Maybe it isn't the dip/sauce. Maybe... it's the Doritos.

Waiting and waiting in vain
 

Before I go, nah ini dia lagu sexy. Ada orang mau dedicate to me? Ahem!



Happy weekend! Bye!

Take a Breather

Stop. Step back.

Close your eyes, take a deeeeep breath.

Now exhale.
*fuuuuuu*


Okay. Picking yourself up all by your lonesome isn't really an easy thing to do. Bah, biasalah, human kan?

Sometimes, we sendiri yang put ourselves in that position, we sendiri yang push ourselves to the ground. Mana dengan peer pressure lah, pressure from parents lah, images shown in the media lah, stresses from work and life lah. Then after sudah jatuh gugur tersungkur dengan sendirinya, we begin to ask ourselves, "Why the hell did I do that to myself?"

Yes, we just can't help it kadang-kadang. But we have control over our hearts and minds, don't we? Solution dia satu seja, keep a reminder, a post-it, a mental image that says: Don't do it to yourself. And really try to resist the urge.

Epp! Don't do it to yourself. Gitu. You know?

I should know.

Things to embrace
1. The way you think
2. Your unique features
3. Your differences from others
4. The weird sense of self-love
5. The wonder of complexity and in-ordinary-ness that is Y-O-U. *smiles with gigi tidak lurus tapi masih lawa juga bah dari teda gigi nah mana satu kau mau?*

Take a breather, think happy thoughts, go to your happy place, and laugh at yourself once in a while. It may work.

Okay lah. Lapar ni. Happy positivity! Bye!

Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in.

 

I'm On Your Back

If you'd accept surrender,

I'll give up some more 

Weren't you adored

I cannot be without you, matter of fact

I'm on your back, I'm on your back, I'm on your back

How do I say this.

Umm. Okay.

Now how do I put this.

I thought I could say it out here, turns out. I just can't seem to find the right words!

But too lazy to move my fingers from the keyboard to the trackpad/mouse. Therefore lazy to click the close button to just not post this meaningless post. So I should just make it something lah.

Mau karaokeeee. It's just such a good way to let it all out. Mannnn.

I tried being productive this week, but the most productive I got was, like for an accumulative time of an hour and a half for the whole week. I wanna say it's a good week because only today (Friday) will I be going to class. I basically had the whole week off. Yet I have a proposal due Sunday, and an essay on Theodor effing Adorno whose article I just can't seem to finish reading. Distractions! I seriously need to read it, but I find myself reading the same lines over and over again which really means, I'm not concentrating.

How do you concentrate when...

Hmmm.

Rindu si Izz.

Okay lah.

Bye!

I forgot how much I love this song!

 

Sugarcoating

Everybody hurts. Everyone feels pain once, twice, countless of times.

What makes it different is the way he or she handles the pain.

It's ridiculous sometimes how I get hurt over silly things. Tiny petty things. Once the feeling is over, I tell myself how stupid it was to feel that way.

Ignorance, not really bliss. Ignorance from a different point of view is anger, and sadness. Or disappointment. 

Holding on to a few things. Patience, faith, and love. And a whole lot of positivity.

Tears=me=tears. Normal. It's just my way of feeling better. It does help, even for a little while.

Probably not so okay now. But I'll come through. If there's a flood, I might get wet but I'll climb up high to get dry. That's what counts, right?
Jatuh, bangun lah kan bilang you.

Heart vs Mind.
Never ending battle.




72. Oh macam forever.

To heal

I close my eyes.

We're laying on the grass
Holding hands
Staring blankly at the sky
White clouds
Soft cool breeze
Gentle warmth of the sun


We're sitting on the beach
Holding hands
Staring blankly at the endless sea
Blue waters
Sounds of waves crashing
Grainy pale sand


My eyes are still closed.


I think I have too-much free time on my hands. And it's probably affecting me. I really do have things to do. But you know lah kan.

It's a serious roller coaster ride. Whether I puke, or say "Let's do that again," or both together, I'll never know until the ride is over.

For now... Let's just enjoy it. Make it worth the screams thrills tears and laughters.

Here's a saya-sedih-hati-tidak-tenang-tapi-mau-happy-and-senang-hati song.
We'll heal.




77.
Love,
Nazie

Pouring my heart out

It is a battle between the heart and the brain.

Collaboration between your heart and your brain doesn't always produce a great melody.

You know how people wanna be happy for other people? I was just wondering, at what stage and at what level of maturity must you have to reach that point.

Well sure. I've had my own share of shit. Now I can sincerely say I am happy for that person whom I used to wish I could pijak-pijak. It was easier to let go then.

But now I am left to wonder... How do you be happy for someone else?

How do people let go, for another person's happiness? How can you be 100% genuinely happy for another person, without feeling a little negativity in yourself? How do people have positivity, without anything contradicting your thoughts and emotions? Thing is. True happiness cannot be bought. Cannot be exchanged for, cannot be bargained.



Level of difficulty: Very High.

Not impossible though.

Honestly, I wish my heart and my mind can come to an agreement. And stick with it. Cause one says another, the other says another thing. I know I have it in me. I know I can do it if I really wanted to. It's mind over matter. The heart makes you feel things. Things that sometimes... don't make sense. This...predicament. Sucks.

You wanna tell yourself it's okay, it'll happen if it was meant to happen.

Truth be told. I have an outer shell cracking. I'm in the midst of gluing things back together. Because there are so many other better times than this. Biasa lah tu. Sometimes we're up high. Other times we're down low. Only when you've been at the ultimate low will you know, how sturdy the ladder you built to get you back to the top.

Faith. That is all you need.

With time probably wounds heal. There might be a scar, but nobody said life's smooth sailing all the time.



"listen, I just want you to be happy. I really do"

It takes some guts to actually mean that.
OH. I go pasang lagu emo dulu. Bye.

Really listen.

Lift Me Up

Ini dia, Kucing terclingy di dunia...

Ini lepas meow meow meow. Dia meow saaaaaaaaaampai penat and tertidur macam tu lah.

So I again mau tambah, Jojo is:

1. A light sleeper. You move a bit or make the slightest noise she'll be awake.
2. Cannot sleep without human touch. CANNOT. I tried moving my hand/foot/paha/arm away, she woke up! Instantly.
3. Misbehaves when I'm alone at home with her.
4. Possibly gay.
5. Purrs really loud. 
6. Gete! Sangat. Ee Jojo siapa ajar you jadi gete.

Bila kau mau besar Jojo bilaaa?!

Bee-Tee-Double you, Christina's Lift Me Up is a very nice song. I like. You like or not? Try you listen first. Try you try...

Hari tu Raya kan.

Mummy Nenek, Me , Kakak at Kg Air, Kudat

"Aduh pening saya punya kepala," Si Izz bilang

Naj, Rianah, Me, Jasmine at Uncle Amir's, Keningau

Rianah, Kakak Lily, Me at err Rumah Aunty Tayung yang WHOAA!

All in the Family! :)

Oma and Little Syabil. Look! He's smiling :D

My long lost twin muah! :* Manada sama bah.

I ran out of ideas. Wait for me! Oh! Yes, I was trying to look for it in French and I did so yay! It's just the sweetest thing, really. Even manis-er in French.

Car vois-tu, chaque jour, je t'aime davantage,
Aujourd'hui plus qu'hier et bien moins que demain

Nanti I belajar pronounce. Then I say to you. Okay?

Okay bye buat kerja! HUARGH!

Big big big big heavy heart to you you you you for reading :) next time read again.

Gaps Between Classes

Okay.

Buat in numbering la senang.

1. I AM SORRY for poking your eye. SORRY! Like really I tia sengaja. But I had a good laugh. Not because I poke your eye la but because it happened the way it did. Adui. Funny. Okay.
2. I shall be rajin and bring my laptop to class every Tuesday
3. Monday morning class is dry.
4. I will stand up for what is right. Doraemon doesn't have ears because it was bitten by rats.
5. I'm going back to KK tomorrow! Balik kampung oh oh oh balik kampung!
6. I want to make my pumpkin cake, my honeyjoys, choco chip cookies, err melting moments? Yummm.
7. I miss Izz.
8. I wonder what Jojo is doing now. Sorry I kurung you meowmeow.
9. There is such thing as the Angau Bercinta Club. Mau join?
10. Assignments sudah banyak, tapi lama lagi baru send. I have a month.
11. I want to go to the beach. No no, island.
12. Lepas ni class public speaking. Malas. :|
13. Okay time to go to class!

Don't Mind Me

Currently listening to: Rihanna - Wait Your Turn

Mau juga kan put currently listening to. Minta puji betul. Haha!

Kau tingu ni budak. Orang busy talking on the phone!

I feel miserable! Macam perempuan pregnant suda cukup nine months tapi baby belum keluar keluar. It's almost that case, 'cept it's my period. I KNOW it's coming. TAPI MANA KAU?! 

Btw, have you girls noticed how many potential "babies" you've let your pads serap? (okay eww)

I've "thrown away" 96 eggs. Assuming there aren't any missed periods.

Okay, why am I talking about this again?

Anywho,

I'm tired of

1. Kena suruh-suruh. Is there no such thing as PLEASE anymore?
2. All the tahi kucing on the driveway. Damn you kucing sebelah.
3. My late period
4. Craving for Yogurberry and ice cream oh myyy.
5. The hujan petang-petang. Cause I want Tanjung Aru's sunset!
6. Bimbo's minta puji-ing tia mau makan n pilih makanan! BIMBO!! (I still love you)
7. The ituuuu seja shows on Fox
8. Cooking! Everyday! (If only they'll accept nasi and telur dadar haha!)
9. Waiting for August to come!
10. Being tired. Bleugh.

I want my own Minion. I'll name it... Steve.

By far the cutest movie. Hahaha! Because of the Minions.

And...

Three blind mice! Thara paling ngam, Cammie mabuk, I'm a happy blind mouse

I love you my Melalak Buddies!

Okay, till next time!

You're damn right it's the perfect crime! 

Travis McCoy says, and I agree

image taken from pmoney.blogspot.com

"I wanna be a billionaire, so freaking bad"

Who's with me *wink*

Waitaminnit! 

Does he mean he wants to be a billionaire so bad, or he wants to be a billionaire that is bad?

Gotta rethink my steps.