Cubaan untuk Tidur

I'm 24 now.
Kalau gatal tangan sendiri cari sakit.
Mau tidur tapi tia tau macam mana dan bagaimana but cannot tidur for now.
Oh rushing thoughts. They're coming back.
I haven't been drinking enough plain water.
Just too lazy to keep on peeing.
I feel like it's a dead end.
I wish there was something to look forward to.
I want to do things. Keep fit. Keep active.
Maybe a lifestyle change.
I wanna have fun.
I wanna go play kites and go on trips and go to playgrounds.
I wanna play rollerblades and cycle in the park and take silly pictures.
I wanna sing all my ill feelings away and do it for hours.
I wanna berendam in the pool and swim swim swim.
Islands. Blue sea. White sand. Pristine beach.
Sunshine.
Sun tan. Lotion. Burnt.
Peeling.
Orange peel.
Apples.
Doctors.
Fear. Medication.
Death.
Loss.
Mourn. Sadness. Tears.
I am tears. Teary. Never ending.
La la la. Sing the song.
Piano ukelele violin guitar.
Trenggg.
Vietnam Cambodia Thailand.
Krabi. Phi Phi. Koh Samui.
Island. Beach. Back to where we were.
Before.
Again. Repeat.
Solace.
Slumber, sleep.
Payphone. Hash and star. Two together no use.
Type. Press. Copy cat.
Meow.
Kittens, forever small are the cutest.
Non existant. Like money growing on trees.
Endless supply of ridiculous craziness and nothingness.
Where do I go? Two? Three years from now?
Run from the comfort of stability.
Adventure up Broga, mountains, hikes and yikes!
Wall climbing, maybe? Don't call me. Please.
Make up, fake up foundation or powder.
Red lips pink lips your image is power.
I keep seeing your face and your mind
I wish it was easy to erase. All the feelings i have. But even erasing takes time takes patience takes energy.
I can't.
Oh.
Wait.
Fly free. Like a bird. Fly high up in the sky.
Suddenly find chained to the ground. Immobile. Frozen. Down.
Wah poet sungguh rhyme rhyme.
Look at the time.
I did it again. Oops. Like Britney said.
Okay.

Good night.



(This is a self experiment. To see what thoughts I have before I go to bed)

Disappointment

It's not something that I'd ever expected to happen.
Nobody wishes for it to happen.
Nobody wants it to happen.

But the disappointment isn't from the "happening".

It came from the failure of being able to see how much it worries me and how much I'm scared.

Has it been that bad all this while, until this has come to be what it had become? How could those words and phrases be uttered?

And the question is, am I that bad?

Saya disappointed.

Tapi saya sabar. If one day it comes to realisation, i would expect a sincere, true, and heartfelt apology. But for now, I, apologise for my flaws.


And you are forgiven.

Happy New Year

2012 hasn't been a year for blogging. My 30-day blog project was on again, off again too many times.

For 2012, I'd like to thank my parents for letting me complete my final year in UK. That was one heck of a ride, which I miss and keep in my heart dearly. My Mum, for the trip to Paris and Disneyland. I became a child again. (i wanted to cry when I watched the parade). My Papa, who worked hard to find the money to send me to school and bought me my precious iPhone which I dearly love.

My dearest darling Ally. For coming all the way to visit me in February. For cooking up sambal ayam bawang bergantang tapi sedap. For coming to see the Eiffel Tower and Mona Lisa with me. And walking the streets of Venice with me. You endured air sickness, 13-hour flights, crazy ass delays but you came, still. You are the push that put me to where I am today, and though I am hard to handle I can't thank you enough for never giving up on me.

My KK-KL-UK friend Cammie, who has seen the craziest side of me. Thank you for the times we spent in Hatfield, London, and Aberystwyth. And also Birmingham and for Alton Towers with KiKi. And our gossip sessions over Milo Ais in Malaysia Hall canteen. Singing karaoke on youtube, running to catch the train and cooking pasta and tom yam soup. Thank you for the kiub pati and also sambal belacan. And also Maroon5 for the second year running.

For Ain, who came and visited me in Hatfield, twice. I thank you for sacrificing time, money and energy.
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings or made you cry unintentionally through out our friendship (close to 20 years and counting!). You will always be my one and only childhood friend!

For Pika, who I can share all my thoughts and worries with. 2012 was a memorable year, for the both of us! And I'm glad I had you whenever I needed. You were always there, and please know that I will always be there for you too. Anytime Pika!

Nur Thara Atikah, my darling sister from another mother. I'm going to miss you when you get married! You're gonna belong to a man in less than a year. Thank you for spending time with us whenever you could, and although I missed your engagement, God willing, I'll be there for your nikah and sanding. I mean. I have gotten kain for baju! Hehe.

My new found NST colleagues, whom I've come to know closer with each working day. Work will be so dull without the crazy little things you people do. And what would you guys do without my drawer stock-filled with food.

Here's to 2013.

More food adventures, imaginary travels, actual traveling, exciting assignments, better money management, career advancements, long-lasting love, tummy aching laughters, and picture perfect memories.

Insya-Allah, amin.

I know it ain't easy

I'm trying not to add to the stress and tension.

I wish I was built just a tiny bit stronger than this.

But my goodness I just need an outlet.

Asdfghjkl.

The other day, I turned 23

On May 12th, I turned 23. What blessing it was when it was sun shiny on the day of my birth! Weather has been wet all week that week and it was great to have the sun and breeze that day.

I found many excuses to make my birthday last longer.

1. Birthday "celebrations" started at 5pm London time - because it was 12am in Malaysia.
2. And again when the clock struck 12 in Hatfield
3. Around 1.30 am when Carl, Ness, and Nic came over to surprise me with Cake!
4. The whole day spent packing while watching House MD
5. Upset that in Malaysian time birthday was over at 5pm London time. But since I was in UK it was still my birthday.
6. Had birthday dinner with friends at Wagamama.
7. At 11:45 pm announced that it was officially my birthday since I was born at 11:45 pm. Which really means my birthday only started at that time.
8. Refused to end my special day once the clock struck 12 on May 13th. And said that it was still May 12th in New York.

Even before my birthday came I was already upset that it would end and that I would have to wait another 365 days (God willing, InsyaAllah) to celebrate it again. So you see, my birthday is a big deal to me. I get upset when people I care about forget my birthday. I love getting wished and wishing myself happy birthday. I love feeling happy and feeling special. I love birthdays. I think it's important to feel special because you were born! I'm sure there's a purpose for you in life, yes?

I am still thinking of a birthday gift for myself.

I really want a Spinner 360.

On another note, I was at Westfield two days ago. Had the most amazing New York Cheese cake. Granted, I haven't had cheese cake in a really long time but oh my goodness it was mmmmmmmm.


I miss feeling like the only girl in the world.



Shaddap. I love this song.


Okay bye!

Intentions

Interesting how the brain works. The way it controls your actions and feelings. How you manage to do one thing when you're really thinking of another.

What's even more interesting is how your brain is the best at making things bigger than it may seem.

Or how your brain lets the heart take control.


Still asking the same question. Why did You build me this way?

There is a Learning Curve to This

Why did You build me this way.

I'm just trying to understand myself. Maybe when I understand how and why I am the way I am, I am able to understand others better.

What am I doing wrong? I think I am trying. I think I'm making progress.

Ah okay. But how much progress?

I was convinced that I was the greatest. Apparently, not so much.




I really don't want to go back there. 


And I won't. I just needed to let all of this out.

It'll get better.

Light At The End of The Tunnel

If you really knew me
You probably won't like me.

I suppress what I feel I should
Because if I don't, I really think you'd walk away.
I guess everybody does that.
We're all part evil, aren't we.

I'm not that nice. As much as I'd like to think I am. I'm really not.


It takes a great deal of power to be able to keep all the negative energy inside.
If I let it out, haha. Habis lah.


You roar, and have sharp teeth....

...But I have the horns.


Give and take, you know?






Walking patiently to the light at the end of the tunnel. Walk with me, please?

Bimbo.

Dear Bimbo,

I'm sorry if 7 years was too short for you. Sorry for being with you on and off again since 2007. Sorry I wasn't able to take care of you fully.

I remember how you used to wake me up by sitting on my chest and meowing as loud as you can, and biting my nose and my kening. I remember how I had to take you out every morning just so that you could go and do your thing. I remember how every time I eat jagung you'll come asking for some. I remember how you would just meow at me asking me to teman you makan.

I'm really sorry Bimbo for not being here when you were sick.

Bye Bimbo. I miss you.


Love, always.

Naz

You are Twenty-One!

Dearest

ALLY

(I'm sorry I couldn't find a nicer Green!)

I'll never forget:

1. The day you fell down on the ground just to get mee hoon from me! Ketawa me satu orang kalau ingat balik. Hahaha!
2. The first time I went shopping with you and you laughed at all my choices! How dare you!
3. The day we had accident on the way to 1Utama. Tulah, gatal mau jalan-jalan during exam.
4. The time you were staring at Lisa and Rachel.
5. That your favourite colour is Green!
6. That you HATE tuna. Just like Bimbo.
7. Your senyum biut! Muahaha!
8. That you like to say "That's what you call loooooooove, Hana"
9. That you're a great friend (and more)
10. Your BIG LOUD HAPPY FULL laugh. Kalau dengar seja "Ally la tu".
11. July 19th!
12. The Eyemo incident hahaha!
13. The way you can suddenly terdiam.
14. That time that you apologized for being noisy, but couldn't stop explaining yourself.
15. The way you boleh tukar-tukar style bercakap - depending who you're with.
16. Your last birthday celebration last year.
17. When I was walking to the car exactly a year ago and you say my perut buncit!
18. You like eating at Cozy Corner.
19. That you think berbuka puasa di Chili's is kafir. Fine, you pick a place!
20. How you're scared to drive.
21. Your birthday is on August the third!

Zaman Batu. Your hair and mine still short!

You do not look fat!

Though you've to spend your birthday going to class, berkawad kaki, sakit badan, sakit kaki... I hope you have a greeaaatt day nonetheless.

May He shower you with good health, wealth, joy, happiness, success, laughter, happy tears, confidence, love (and plenty of it), more imaginations, more power, fun, more trips to Penang, a trip to KK (or TRIPS to KK), and plenty of sunshine and smiles.

You'll grow to be who you want to be, and you'll be the best. Trust me!

Here's to you.

Happy 21st Birthday Ally!

I love you!

XOXO,

Hana yang sexy and hot :D

Dear God,

Dear God,

I totally forgot about wanting to sedekah on my 21st birthday. But I will, I will! *edit! Already did, yay!

21 things to be thankful for

1. Family. From my parents to my siblings, grandparents, right to my nieces and nephews. And cucus? I'll be honest; I have wished for some things to be different, but I'm certainly thankful nonetheless. Believe me I am!
2. Friends. Best friends, close friends, new friends, old friends, childhood friends, used-to-be-very-close friends, Frenemies, ahh what would the world be without them. "Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things" Anon.
3. My brain and my heart! They balance out my senses (at least I think they do), and it's keeping me alive!
4. The gift of BOOKS. Gone were the days when 'reading' was just something I would list down as a hobby while filling in kamurang punya "otograf". Books really are presents you can open again and again.
5. The gift of (as Seha would say) MA-WA-ZA-YAK* or music! 'Nuff said. *MA-WA-ZA-YAK is supposed to be "muzik" spelled in Jawi. This happened I think 6 Years ago during kelas Agama di bengkel!
6. Colours. What is the world without it?
7. The beautiful sunrises and sunsets. What can be more beautiful than watching the big ball of fire rise atop Mount Kinabalu and set on the horizon of Tanjung Aru beach. Which also brings me to...
8. Beaches. Islands and beaches. The sea, islands and beaches. White sand, clear blue sea, islands and beaches. I remember Ustazah saying that if there's one thing that we should praise God for is the Sea and how luas and amazing it is.
9. BAHASA SABAH! Besa la baitu kan kalau urang Sabah. Best ba! Banyak jenis expression, the word "Bah" itself has plenty of meanings.
10. Food. Ohehmjee ohehmjee. I find that I live to eat. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing if you know what I mean.
11. My height. Okeh I know I'm not tall. And certainly being tall has it's perks - long legs wah so pretty kunun, taller people look nice in dresses, taller people can reach things that shorties can't. But! Un-tall people like me have the chance of making other people look down on you (literally) and shock the tuut out of them. Un-tall people don't look like they're about to tumbang if they wear high heels. Un-tall people are cute. Un-tall people can still think tall. Haha.
12. My house. I love how close it is to places. Especially the beach. Heh.
13. Technology! Need I say more?
14. Times Square. Berjaya Times Square I mean. Sebab... well. Cheapooo clothes?
15. SEGi University College Kota Damansara (SUCKD). I know it sucks (SUCKD!), but I've learnt plenty and met some pretty people I'm sure I'll never forget!
16. The Wedding (the novel). That book is just. Oh. I shall read it again and laugh again, and cry again, love again. It's just the sweetest. Please don't turn it into a movie!
17. Water.
18. My body size. Although I always bising I cannot cari size baju or jeans. But! I can eat whatever I like. Neh :p I like that I'm small. Small is cute. Kan Pika kaaan?
19. Bimbo the cat. Oh Bimbo, you so silly and you make me have allergies but I love you so!
20. Justin Timberlake, Orlando Bloom, Jericho Rosales, Agnes Monica, Hero Jaejoong, Katherine Moennig, Reza/Pierre Andre, Sarah Shahi, Pierce Brosnan (noone is a hotter 007), Brad Pitt, David Beckham. Boleh ka?
21. Me, my life. :)

Alhamdulillah.

What are you thankful for?

If Baby Could

Inay!

Inay, my birthday is next week. I'm very excited Inay, it's my first birthday! But why won't you be home? Mama said lama lagi baru I get to see you. Does that mean I'm not getting a birthday present from you Inay? I won't get to have my cute handsome face and dashing smile taken photos of? But Inay, I'll be sad that you won't be home for my first birthday.

Oma and Grampa always bring me to their room and make me 'walk' Inay. Why aa? I've always been able to walk ba Inay, but just that day they got so excited to see me start walking without stumbling. Kenapa they so happy Inay? They can walk too, why aren't they clapping their hands and saying "yay, clever boy!" to everyone who can walk?

Papa likes to make noises with his feet and use long sticks to beat things. Nanay will be so irritated of that noise but kan Inay, I like it. I shake my head along with the beat and then that day as i was shaking shaking I bumped my head on the bed! But I didn't cry (I cried a little) cause I'm a strong boy right Inay?

Mama says we're going to go fly to see you and Uncle Nafiq. I'm going to have another Aunt? More people to hold me and play with me???? I can't wait to get on the big thingy that flies. Mama said I have to be a good boy and sit still. How can I, Inay, it's going to be my first time!

Inay, where are Aunty Thara, Aunty Pika and Babu Shafa? Nobody's been singing with me, I really miss singing with them. Everytime I go "Aaaaaaaaaa" nobody else goes "Aaaaaaaaa" with me. And I've always wanted me to meet Aunty Reggie but I never dapat jumpa...

One more thing Inay, why isn't Bimbo happy to see me? I greet her with a happy HIIIIII everytime I see her. She always looks scared! I don't think I'm scary...maybe she's just shy.

Inay I miss you! I'm sure you miss me too :) I love you Inay! Wish you were home...

Love,

Muhammad Izzarif bin Mohd Shaun Yazeed or Arif or Izzy.

P/S: Inay, I can run now! Can you imagine the excitement of everyone here at home?

I miss you Izz!

For Cammie!

My dearest dearest friend Cammie...

Happy birthday!!

May all your wishes come true,

And none of your days ever be blue,

No more one for ten years it's TWO,

Happy happy birthday to you!!

(I made that rhyme myself okay! Eppp! Copyright belongs to me! Hehehe)

I hope you had a Grrrrrrrrrreat time with your friends and family back home, and I MISS YOU! :'( Moga-moga the start of your TWENTIES bring you more joy and happiness, health, luck, patience, fun, time, money, food, dancing, laughter, not so much on the tears, adventures, flights back to KK as often as you like, picture taking, polaroid films, vintage cameras, nikon add-ons, food, jalan-jalan, friends, true friends, best friends, and most importantly,

LOVE!

Happy birthday again Cammie, may Allah shower you with His blessings :)

lovelovelovelovelooooove,

Hana!

Letter to a Superstar

Dear Beyonce a.k.a Sasha Fierce a.k.a pengancel concert,

Oh, we are so disappointed that you decided to postpone (more like cancel) your concert in KL for the 2nd time. Why?
Is it because of the protests? Well I protest the protest and protesters because its plain ridiculous. Might as well protest TV and Internet. And oh don't forget to protest sexy clothes.
Are you afraid for your safety? Sigh, I understand it must be hard for you to go to an Asian country that (for the past months) have had natural disasters and bombings bla bla bla. But Malaysia teda bah (doesn't have those). At least I think we don't. You don't have to stay long if you're that scared, fly in for the concert the same day and fly out the same night for all we care.
Would've been great to see you rock out that night. But OH WELL.

Love,
Naz.

Sigh.

Okay, if you think your life is so freaking hard, and that life's just so menguji your kesabaran...

Try thinking about other people. There just must be someone out there that's just so much more bad things going on in their lives.

You just screwed up so badly in your assignment. Whether you're depressed cause you just fought with your boyfriend. Whether you're alone at home and you just feel so terribly lonely.

There is always someone out there that's suffering a lot more than you.

I realised that today.

Dear You,

I'm very sorry if all this while I've been dumping you with such petty things. I felt so bad after knowing all the things you've told me yesterday. I just can't imagine how you can get through day by day and not just break down. You know how I would be kan? :) I only pray and hope that whatever happens, you'll stay strong. And you'll always always always always have me. Eh! We didn't take picture!

To be honest, when I was being told of that, I wanted to cry there and then for you. But I figured I had to show a brave face, because I guess that's what you needed. Someone who'd just listen and not affect you emotionally. Someone who is just...there. I can tell you straight that if you cried, I would've cried with you. I sincerely hope everything goes out well. I'm glad that you were actually courageous enough to tell me; knowing that wasn't actually a moment to be proud of. 

Urkh.

I must sleep now.

xxoo,

Nazie.

:(

SuperGirl lost her super powers.

Leaving home is like giving superman krypton.
Leaving home to me is like giving me A HUGE AMOUNT OF DUMPING OF crap.

Very malas to start class. NOT excited.

Dear You,

Can I just ignore things? And befriends with who I wanna be, even though it'll seem as if I'm the unfun-nest and uncool-est person? I want you to come quick! Quick!

God, I want to save myself from the "pollution" and pollution. Argh! The things you people emit kill! PLEASE SEDAR. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE BECAUSE OF THAT.

I don't think it's cool, I don't think it's hot.

Rules need to be set, sorry if I sound selfish. I'm being selfish for the sake of EVERYONE. Though prolly you won't think highly of it.

Hana the party pooper?
*
*
*
*
*
TOO BAD!

notlookingforwardtothenonesenseandshit.

XOXO,
Nazie.
tsk.
I want Reggie.
I want Tee.
I want Pika d small girl.
I want Shafa d loud girl.
I miss Supervisor!

wooloolooolooooo~

excuse the title, I'm clueless.

YESTERDAYYY...

Had lunch at Little Italy and ate ice cream.
Went to Vedablu Warisan and met up with my dearrrest best friends that I have not met in a loooong time and had a lil bit of ice cream again...cause I couldn't help it.
Searched the whole of CP for shoes!! Did not manage to get any. Tsk. Got earrings and card though :)
Sat at Big Apple donuts and hung out, and in the end did not buy any.
I went home happy. Yay.

Thanks Pika & Shafa for the day. It's been AGES since we've went out just the 3 of us. And I had fun! Whee! Haha. You people made my holiday extra memorable :)

Going back to KL tomorrow... Not really looking forward.

I can tell you I'm not that excited. Another semester to go through, months and months of nonsense and teda-tedaness, more drama, more kegeraman and more patience needed! Damn it, I'm getting scared to go back.

Yet, I can't wait to go back, I can't wait to quickly end it all. Another year...just one more year.

MYgoodness can you imagine ANOTHER YEAR of all that? I have never wanted a year to end so quickly. And 2009 isn't even here yet.

Dear 2009,

Please be gentle and kind to me, and help me be happier with myself. I hope you bring me many many adventures and stories to tell. Okay, even if you're not gentle to me, I'll appreciate the sadness and anger you'll bring. Guide me to success and lessons that lead to it. Bring my family closer together, bring my friends and I closer together, bring me closer to Him and help me live life fully. Open up opportunities and point me to chances that are there.

Teach me, love me, 2009.

Oh gosh, 2009 is almost here.

my 2008 summarized in pix.
pix credit to me. Cheh. haha.

XOXO,
Nazie.