December 30th 2010

Bila.

Kenapa tidak boleh let go? Kenapa?

One minute you're telling me you can't forget, can't go by not seeing.

Another minute you're telling me how fucked up everything is, and its all nothing already.

But open your eyes and see. Listen to yourself. What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What good does it do being close when there's nothing. Tambah sakit seja, adalah.

Nobody's able to move on if nobody takes the first move to move on.

I WAS bad, I WAS mean for doing what I did. I never doubted that fact. NEVER.

What do I have to do to make you understand that I need to get away for you to recover. Being near to me won't do any good for either one of us.

I'm sorry la for doing it. I can't turn back time to undo my mistakes.

You can ask me all you want about why I did it, why must I move. I have no answer for you anymore. I've told you what I needed to tell you.

On days you go all angry, on some days you come to your senses. Clearly, so very clearly, I should be apart from you so that you'd be able to forget semuanya. Tapi you tidak mau. Macam mana?

Your friend pun suruh you go, my friend pun suruh I go.

I don't want to stay.

I don't want to.

I want to leave.

I do not feel easy and good staying around the same place as you. I don't feel good. I don't feel comfortable anymore. Why can't you see that.

Let me go.

Let me go.

Kenapa la I lemah. Kenapa la I stubborn sangat. F.

Make me happy.

A tub of Cadbury Caramello ice cream.
The comforts of my home in Tg Aru.
The breeze of the beach in the evening.
Jojo sitting/sleeping quietly - NOT on my book, NOT biting.
Izzarif.
Mummy.
December 13th.
Plock!
Being around friends.
Cake.
Swing swing swing.
Music, singing, and dancing.
Bimbo sleeping on my bed while I do my thing.
The piano.
A stroll around the park.
Exams over.
Kota Kinabalu.
A good good good cry.
Some understanding.
No hating.
No anger.
A big hearty laugh till sakit perut.
Singing and dancing to Beyonce's Sweet Dreams.
Kite flying, frisbee throwing.
Camwhoring.


I'm alright, but I really think I could be better.
I can't wait to go home.

Penat.

Okeh.

Exam next week (woohoo).

Trouble concentrating, trouble understanding, trouble trying to find the will to open the book and start reading. When will I ever learn?


Bila la mau let me be who I wanna be, let me do what I wanna do?

Trying to understand

Everything happens for a reason.

I'm human. I make mistakes. I'm allowed to make mistakes, cause I am only human. At least I realise.

Kan?

Tidak?

There are two sides to every story. Cuba dengar dua dua side dulu. Baru judge.

I do salah ada sebab dia. Maybe the way I do/handle it is wrong. Tapi like I said la kan, I'm only human. I don't possess super powers, I am not strong, I am in fact sangat weak. The only thing I can do is try to put myself in other people's shoes. Try to understand how and what they feel. Kalau boleh, I want to do whatever that makes semua happy. Tapi masalah dia tidak boleh. Whatever I wanna try to do, nobody wins. I lagi la don't win.

I kadang-kadang mau juga think for myself. Mau juga do things for ME. Bukan mau selalu, kadang-kadang only. Once twice. Tidak la sampai everyday. I'm not selfish all the time.

Kalau I boleh snap my fingers make it all better kan bagus.

Kalau I boleh jadi macam Hermione and do the 'Obliviate' spell kan bagus.

Yes. I admit. I admit 1000 percent yang I buat salah. I said sorry. Let's all move on la kan. It can't be fixed anyway. No matter how everyone tries, it can't be fixed. The hole is too big to be patched.

I can only try to make things better. But I cannot do it alone. Cannot. Cannot. Cannot.

I sendiri don't understand myself. 

Macam mana la tu?

What's in my heart Dia seja tau. 

hiatus.

Deaf and Blind

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.

They must be felt within the heart.

- Helen Keller