My first General Election

Assalamualaikum.

As a reporter for a mainstream newspaper, it gets very difficult, especially during the elections.

For one thing, you are expected to deliver and perform at a certain level.

Then, you have the fear of people throwing hateful comments at you because you are "mainstream media" and people blaming journalists for coming up with such one-sided reports.

Okay, look.

1. Please understand that we are only doing what we are told to do, as instructed. It is only part of our jobs, and it does not necessarily reflect what our principles and beliefs are.
2. Before you go on and start talking about journalists being hypocrites, do you know how hard it is for a job to come by these days? It's not easy to just pack up your things and leave, you know. Yes of course there is that question of integrity and dignity. But there is also the question of responsibility and the need to simply SURVIVE. 
3. If you have read, and studied, "freedom of media" is so rare nowadays. There is, however, "media ownership". Which means, any media, print, electronic, or new media, has its owners. Ya, memang mainstream media belongs to the government and it's slanted to the government. But alternative media, isn't it slanted to one side too?
4. If you think that mainstream media is biased, the best way is to take everything from both sides  and make an informed conclusion of everything, no?

During my final interview I had before I was hired, one of the bosses reminded me who the paper belonged to. I told him that I knew.

I know what I'm getting into. I realise who and what I work for. It's just not nice for people to be blaming us working in mainstream media because this is just what we do, you know?

Anyway.

Yes. I see and understand how people are upset with last weekend's election outcome.

It's not easy accepting defeat, and it's not easy to be the one being blamed for the defeat.
It's not easy being blamed and being the centre of hatred.

I am for free and fair elections as well. I am for a better country, a better future for my generation and the generations after us.

But why all the hate and anger?

And I'm saying this to everyone, regardless of creed.

It's not nice to accuse someone of lying and cheating. Fitnah namanya.
It's not nice to come up with racial slurs. Racist namanya.
It's not nice to call people names and be cussing. Rude namanya.
It's not nice to be threatening people and wishing they were dead. Now that's just being mean.

We are just too complex a nation. There are so many folds and layers in us that it's very easy to hurt someone even with the simplest statement.

 If everyone would just calm down, and don't be consumed by anger, emotions and hatred, I'm very sure that we would be able to come up with a better solution for the situation.

Breathe ba breathe. Tarik nafas, hembus nafas. Kap hei, fu hei. 

Ala, macam bersatu kita teguh, bercerai kita roboh. Something like that ba, you know.

We have to move forward, and discuss with an open mind. Not easy, yes, I know. But there's no harm in trying.

Ya. Saya memang anak Malaysia. Kita semua anak Malaysia. That is exactly why we should not let Malaysia turn into this darkness we're bringing it into.

Rise, my fellow Malaysians. Come la ba we work sama-sama, fikir cara-cara to be a better Malaysia. We are a beautiful country with beautiful people. Don't let emotions take the best of us.

I have the confidence in Malaysia. I have the confidence that we will go back to our happy sun-shiny days.

Here's to better days. Let's be kinder, okay?

<3 br="">

Always a Wednesday

Maybe, too afraid.

Or. I don't know... No. It's just the afraid.

Actually exactly like the title of LeeSsang's song, "The Girl Who Can't Break Up, The Boy Who Can't leave."

Eh. So emo.

Gearing up

Who knew.

Having a head-aching time trying to extract numbers out of the manifesto.

Halp!

Disappointment

It's not something that I'd ever expected to happen.
Nobody wishes for it to happen.
Nobody wants it to happen.

But the disappointment isn't from the "happening".

It came from the failure of being able to see how much it worries me and how much I'm scared.

Has it been that bad all this while, until this has come to be what it had become? How could those words and phrases be uttered?

And the question is, am I that bad?

Saya disappointed.

Tapi saya sabar. If one day it comes to realisation, i would expect a sincere, true, and heartfelt apology. But for now, I, apologise for my flaws.


And you are forgiven.

"That time of the month"

I don't understand. Apa bezanya you and me? Every month dua-dua sama saja perangai. But yet why do I feel like I'm the ungrateful bitch?

Bukan selalu ba saya begitu. No patience sudah?

Why is it okay for you to do it but not me? Why can't I question it? Why why why?

Pemikiranku

How do I put to words what I feel. What my thoughts are.

I want to do one thing but I'm not sure if I can handle what comes with (or without) it.

I've head so much in my mind lately, I just don't know how to say it. It's all jumbled up and mixed up and un-teratur.

Maybe I know what I want. But I'm just in denial. And I'm just too afraid.

How do I be brave? How do I separate my heart from my mind?

The more I grow older the more I think I need a change.

I must not be lazy. I must not be a pushover. I must smile and laugh more. I must learn not to use my emotions too much.

So many things to learn to do.
But what guarantee do I have that I'll actually do it?

Nope. None. I have no guarantee. No agreement for me to sign except a promise to myself - a promise which can be broken at any time. I have no guarantee.

Sometimes I think there's really no way to do things unless you really truly and absolutely want to.

I really want to. But I'm not willing. Yet.

Happy New Year

2012 hasn't been a year for blogging. My 30-day blog project was on again, off again too many times.

For 2012, I'd like to thank my parents for letting me complete my final year in UK. That was one heck of a ride, which I miss and keep in my heart dearly. My Mum, for the trip to Paris and Disneyland. I became a child again. (i wanted to cry when I watched the parade). My Papa, who worked hard to find the money to send me to school and bought me my precious iPhone which I dearly love.

My dearest darling Ally. For coming all the way to visit me in February. For cooking up sambal ayam bawang bergantang tapi sedap. For coming to see the Eiffel Tower and Mona Lisa with me. And walking the streets of Venice with me. You endured air sickness, 13-hour flights, crazy ass delays but you came, still. You are the push that put me to where I am today, and though I am hard to handle I can't thank you enough for never giving up on me.

My KK-KL-UK friend Cammie, who has seen the craziest side of me. Thank you for the times we spent in Hatfield, London, and Aberystwyth. And also Birmingham and for Alton Towers with KiKi. And our gossip sessions over Milo Ais in Malaysia Hall canteen. Singing karaoke on youtube, running to catch the train and cooking pasta and tom yam soup. Thank you for the kiub pati and also sambal belacan. And also Maroon5 for the second year running.

For Ain, who came and visited me in Hatfield, twice. I thank you for sacrificing time, money and energy.
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings or made you cry unintentionally through out our friendship (close to 20 years and counting!). You will always be my one and only childhood friend!

For Pika, who I can share all my thoughts and worries with. 2012 was a memorable year, for the both of us! And I'm glad I had you whenever I needed. You were always there, and please know that I will always be there for you too. Anytime Pika!

Nur Thara Atikah, my darling sister from another mother. I'm going to miss you when you get married! You're gonna belong to a man in less than a year. Thank you for spending time with us whenever you could, and although I missed your engagement, God willing, I'll be there for your nikah and sanding. I mean. I have gotten kain for baju! Hehe.

My new found NST colleagues, whom I've come to know closer with each working day. Work will be so dull without the crazy little things you people do. And what would you guys do without my drawer stock-filled with food.

Here's to 2013.

More food adventures, imaginary travels, actual traveling, exciting assignments, better money management, career advancements, long-lasting love, tummy aching laughters, and picture perfect memories.

Insya-Allah, amin.